In the event that I'd need a car to do all those things, and frankly the vast majority of SUV owners don't, I'd want a Range Rover, Land Rover Discovery, or Toyota Land Cruiser. Or a Land Rover Defender 110 (though those things are really uncomfortable so it wouldn't be fair on my passengers). Or maybe one of those big Japanese pickup trucks like the Mitsubishi L200. If I lived in America, I guess then I'd have to get a Chevy Suburban or whatever if I REALLY needed to do all those things (are those long wheelbase SUVs like the Suburban actually that good offroad?). But I can't think of why I'd need an Escalade unless I got a job as Tony Soprano's decoy.